A letter to Elliot Smith (3rd letter of the series of letters)
Dear Elliot,
In your song, ‘Waltz #2” you asked “Mr. Man with impossible plans” to just leave you in a place where you have what it takes and I swear Elliot, that’s how I feel most of the time. The feeling is so strong that I might even have someone to make all the decisions for me, from what to wear to what to eat. Because like you, I don’t have it in. It’s a mad mad world and I have cried enough but never made songs as beautiful as you did. I try to write but can anything ever beat the lyrics of “between the bars”? That is a song that I and my brother discussed we’d keep safe for the people we’ll fall in love, to hear. But I made the wrong choices and so did he. Now it’s out there exposed to people whom I don’t even have in my life anymore. Although, I will still make my special one listen to that song because that is a masterpiece, of the kind I like. I think you just get me and if we’d have met, we’d really connect. But whom are we kidding, you were a sad soul who took his own life as artists do. Maybe it’s me, I am attracted to sadness in a weird way. I want to listen to happy songs, all I end up listening to is yours. Like you know, waves always try reaching the shore? I think I’ve just been sad for too long. Just like you talk about. “I’ll fake it through the day” do you see now what I was talking about? That’s the first line of ‘Miss Misery’, do you still remember these songs? I fake everything too, most of the time (But I don’t have a Jhonny Walker Red like you said you did, but I have my own sets of defense mechanisms that lets me forget myself), maybe that’s why I have this need that people should completely and wholly understand me. But no one understands anyone in entirety, can they? No one understood you and some try, but can’t understand me. But I have a feeling Elliot, You would have understood me. I am protected from all the drugs but you weren’t. You hid them under your wrist band hoping no one gets to know what’s going on. But you just couldn’t do it for long. But why such a brutal way to go? I wonder, I mean you had different options? Anyway, I always divulge from the topic and now I have no track of what I was saying. I guess, what I really wanted to say was that I get you, I understand, if that makes any difference, however, it doesn’t. But I didn’t exist back then to let you know this and you chose not to exist as well.
With love,
Anushtha.